I have put this post off for a while because I wanted to be a bit more settled in my new situation before properly setting aside time to talk about it.
I’m writing this, one, because I feel it might be therapeutic for me but two because I am hoping this may help people either freshly off a break up or those that are possibly considering a break up but are too afraid of the change.
After nearly 6 and a half years together me and my boyfriend mutually decided to split up. I had been thinking about it on and off since about the start of the year after going through a lot last year that made me drastically rethink all things I thought I wanted in life and it turns out he had been thinking about it too. Having been together since we were 18 I can say that the break up decision was down to simply growing apart and getting older.
For a bit of a background we were best friends before we started going out and I feel that has a lot to do with how well we were and still are able to communicate whatever we’re feeling. This made the break up a particularly difficult decision though because through close to 10 years of friendship and 6 as a couple we have many mutual friends meaning that our decision was also going to impact our closest friends and simply how we do things. This was never going to be a break up that allowed for a clear break, despite both agreeing we no longer worked as a couple we still fully intended to be friends and keep things as “normal” as possible.
The actual break up conversation couldn’t have been any better given the circumstances and if anything it was probably one of our most real conversations in a long time. There were surprisingly no tears (I am normally a major crier) and instead there was a calm, truthful conversation. Neither of us were afraid to be fully truthful and by doing this we actually managed to laugh at a lot of it. There was no shouting, no name calling and no passive aggressive comments.
In many ways I feel like the fact that the break up itself went so easily, it also made it harder to accept that it was over because it sort of made me question “wait why are we breaking up again? ”
So why am I telling you all this?
Well because I want to give people in any situation a bit of reassurance that nothing is as bad as it seems. My own break up came about naturally and was never down to anger or resentment. Nothing bad happened, there was nobody else involved, we simply outgrew the relationship as a couple, which considering we started going out at 18 isn’t overly surprising. That’s not to say it wasn’t difficult and upsetting but I found comfort in knowing that we both decided together and that ultimately I still absolutely adore him as a person.
Everyone’s relationship and break up is completely different and down to personal circumstances, however I feel many of us are guilty of putting off a break up because of the fear of change, fear of being alone or simply the fear of regret. I would say as of this moment it was the right thing for us to do. It shocked everyone around us because we were so ok with one another – we told friends while on our trip to Copenhagen to visit a best friend of ours and because we still got on as best friends they did not suspect a thing. To be honest it was more the idea of telling everyone close to us that bothered me most because the actual break up didn’t really allow for any anger or sadness and telling other people made it real.
That’s not to say that things will not change and get more difficult as time passes. I know I will struggle when he meets someone and I know I will have to remind myself of the reasons this decision was made. As I write this I can honestly say the two of us are communicating better now than we have for a while. Again this is not going to be the case for everyone but for anyone out there that is thinking about breaking up with someone I would say trust your gut. If I had trusted my gut sooner then the both of us may have actually got more out of our friendship than we have our relationship for a good few months. I don’t regret the decision because I truly believe it is what we both needed but I still get upset about it every so often.
If you are just out of a relationship then I hope it helps to know that as cheesy as it sounds everything does happen for a reason. If we hadn’t broken up now there was a very good chance we would break up much later but on much worse terms. Maybe you wanted different things or maybe something happened to force you into that situation but rest assured it was for a reason. Life gets better and it doesn’t stop just because you’re single again or because now you have to go to that friend’s wedding alone. Honestly I have no idea what the future holds but I feel in the end this decision is going to allow the both of us to work out what we want out of life without the pressure we felt for a while when it came to being a couple.
As of right now I am one of the “lucky” ones in that I don’t have a bad thing to say about my ex, he is still one of the best people I know. That often makes people question why we split up and somehow pushes them to tell us it’s not going to work. I don’t know if they’re right or wrong but I do know that we as a couple had to make a decision that we feel works best for us and right now not being a couple works better for us. This might change it might not but if you are stuck in limbo about your relationship I say again please trust your gut and stop listening to everyone else!