Currently sitting in bed on a Sunday feeling very sorry for myself because not only do I seem to be feeling run down physically but I also feel pretty down in general – the most annoying part I have no idea why I feel down.
One thing that bothers me most of all about how I’m feeling right now is that it’s meant I have had to cancel plans with 3 of my closet friends. Now it wasn’t a big plan, it was literally a plan to catch up over cake and I know that t won’t be long before another catch up like this is planned, especially as we get into the festive season. However I am still upset not only about missing out on what would be a fun day because I am so ill and run down but also at the fact that I feel I have let me friends down by cancelling (so last minute).
Anyone that knows me knows that I tend to be the one that is always up for plans and 99% of the time I always make it, sometimes after a lot of juggling about. If anything I tend to be the friend that can be let down on multiple occasions. What upsets me today is that I feel I am letting down a select few friends that to my knowledge have always been there when I need them. Those friends that rarely let me down (if ever) and if they have ever had to cancel plans there has always been a genuine reason. So why do I think differently when it’s the other way around?
Well probably because many of us are guilty of doing this too and that’s expecting far too much of ourselves. I am a very strange individual in that my self confidence and self belief tend to go up and down rapidly. Sometimes I can be so confident in my own ability and know how I deserve to be treated and that many people that have treated me badly in the past don’t deserve me and yet other days I can find myself questioning whether my friends even like me (despite them never doing anything to suggest it) while also believing that those that did treat me badly had a reason to (they didn’t).
Keeping this in mind I feel we are all guilty in some respect of asking too much of ourselves. In my 25 years I have designated a role for myself in that I am the friend that anyone can come to with a problem. That I am the friend that will always keep promises and go out of my way for those I care about. This all sounds wonderful until it’s either not given back by those around me or when it cannot possibly be maintained because I have ran myself into the ground trying to keep everyone else happy.
Let me be clear in that the friends I cancelled on are genuinely 3 of the best people I know. I am not one for discussing my bad days because genuinely whenever I am with them I feel great and don’t want to drag them down. I need to give them more credit and be more honest with them when I feel bad because by not doing this as often as I probably should I worry that me cancelling plans will annoy them because they don’t have the full picture.
Today has taught me it is ok to take time out for yourself. It has made me think about how I manage my expectations of myself because I am only human and cannot possibly do everything I expect myself to. My goal is to be a good person and try not to let those I care most about down but I hold myself to such high standards doing this that I make myself feel worst for not making every plan possible.
I know how frustrating it can be to be on the other side of cancelled plans and the unpredictability of some people and although I understand things happen I feel this has made me try even harder not to be the cause of that frustration for others. Unfortunaltye this also comes with a large amount of pressure put on myself out of fear that my friends will hate me for cancelling or think less of me. Of course this is not actually what happens but it leads me to the common problem.