Also I will just point out it is pure coincidence this is posted on Valentines Day!
Wow I have done so many drafts of posts regarding my break up last year and I have done them all at different points in the process. Some done right after it, some after a bad day or a series of good days and now I feel is probably the best time to try it.
**warning, long post coming at you**
So we actually broke up on April 2018 and the break up itself went really well. We were calm, honest and genuinely, I thought at the time, in a good place. It has to be said that we were best friends before our relationship and we still very much intended to stay friends from then on because he was my favourite person. People will have opinions on that regardless of what I say.
We were actually going to Copenhagen the following weekend to visit one of our best friends so we agreed we would tell our friends that week and we kept checking in on one another for the following few months. In fact a few hours after the break up my ex messaged me asking how I was, we were genuine best friends.
However, like all great things and all major life moments they are all filled with emotions and those emotions need to come out at some point. Our emotions came to a head at the beginning of July 2018 when he told me he had met someone else. I was devastated. To this day I am not entirely sure what my emotions actually were. I knew we were never going to get back together, I knew we worked better as best friends because we were both more relaxed than we had been for far too long. Looking back I can only say that I was scared that I was losing my best friend. We had also been the acceptation to the rule. We had a genuine friendship that surprised people after we broke up. We sat at the airport and told our friends that we broke up and yet they were still shocked at how we bounced off one another and cared about one another. 2 weeks before his revelation we were out for his birthday and he gave me his hoodie when we were waiting outside for our lift home because I was stupid and forgot to bring a jacket with me. This wasn’t done out of romantic feelings but because he cared about me as a person, if anything it was done out of habit.
Maybe my ego was taking a major hit. My self confidence varies depending on the day, time of year and whatever else is going on and I always enjoyed the security of knowing that he was my person and I was his, even after the romantic element was no longer there. I will stress that even if we had never had the massive bust up in July there would never have been anything suggestive in our friendship going forward. Whether it is tv, movies and books that have painted a picture in my mind about relationships or not, I always did believe that we impacted each other’s lives so greatly that there would always be something between us, and that was ok. It wouldn’t be anything suggestive or romantic but a deep routed affection for one another as we moved forward in life, onto new relationships and life decisions.
Therefore I class July 2018 as our real break up, the heartbreaking moment that everyone has experienced. The moment that is ingrained in your mind and the major catalyst in driving your life forward. This moment still upsets me to this day, songs still remind me of us and I still have thoughts about how different things could have been.
But how do I really feel about the break up so many months later? Well since then I have made major life decisions for this year. I plan to move out on my own and change job. I plan to visit my cousin in London later on in the year for the weekend and ultimately I plan to learn how to live life myself. I’ve always been pretty independent but being in a relationship from the age of 18 kind of takes a lot of solo moments away from you. I need to learn who I am outside of that relationship that took up my formative years.
The break up itself is still as awful in my mind now as it was right after it happened. It still hurts to think about how he looked at me and how angry he was. It still hurts me to remember some of the things he said, that he no doubt won’t remember saying himself. Funny how a comment made by someone can stick in your head forever, while they’ll forget they said it as soon as it’s out of their mouth. To this day the thing that makes me most upset is the feeling of him picking someone else over me, someone he hardly knew at this point, a mere few weeks after saying I was still his favourite person. I’m still shocked he called me a liar when in actual fact I have never lied to him in the almost 11 years of knowing him. There were a lot of mixed emotions on both our parts flying about that day and neither of us handled it how we, or anyone else, though we would.
Since then we have been in contact and cleared the air. Ultimately I know the break up was essential to my life turning into what it is supposed to be. I know everything happens for a reason, my only wish is that it hadn’t been so messy, heated and angry. For the future, again everyone will have their own opinion on this, I would like for us to get back to some form of how we were in the past. I still class him as my best friend and you can decide for yourself what that means. I told a friend of mine I was back in contact with him yesterday and the first comment out of their mouth was “you know he has a girlfriend?” My answer to that is yes but me messaging him had nothing to do with “winning him back” it had everything to do with clearing the air, being more positive and hopefully one day for us to both be able to look at one another as important friends in life.
He has been my friend, best friend, crush I am not supposed to be having, boyfriend, partner in crime, breakfast buddy, travel buddy, shoulder to cry on, constant supporter, loudest cheerleader, biggest pain in my backside and my favourite person. He has seen me turn 18, turn 21, pass my driving test, graduate from university, stand at my brother’s wedding, become an auntie and even been on my first abroad holiday without my parents. We have seen Rome, Paris, Copenhagen, Rhodes, Salou, Luxembourg and a multitude of other places together. We have been on massive road trips with friends, he’s helped me study for exams, he’s watched me experience Disneyland Paris for the first time after moaning that I felt like I was betraying Disneyworld if I went and we have experienced so many firsts together. We met at14/15 and literally grew up together and of course you shouldn’t stay friends with people due to the amount of time you have known them but he has been so crucial in my life and up until last summer was my constant supporter in life. He has seen me at my best and my worst and still after last summer messaged me back on Christmas Day 2018 as if we had just spoken the day before. It takes time, a lot of time, but I truly believe as I become more settled in my own life with my own flat, a better job and more self confidence that we will end up being how we are supposed to be.
Therefore months after my break up I still have sad moments, I still look back on our relationship with rose tinted glasses and I still occasionally get angry at what happened. However I can also look at it as an almost essential part of life. It is getting me to wherever and whoever I am meant to get to. Our relationship didn’t work because if it did we wouldn’t end up with the people we are meant to be with. If it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have become so focused on moving out and changing job which means I wouldn’t have been as close to achieving these things as I am right now.
I am choosing to be positive and believe in that everything happens for a reason. I am choosing to have faith in the friendship we had (and hopefully still have). The friendship that was responsible for the 6 year relationship we experienced together and the friendship that turned my dark moments light and gave me countless memories that no matter what happens going forward will always be special to me. First loves are tough right? Regardless he knows I’d be there for him no matter what, yes even now if he phoned my upset I’d be there without question.
If anyone is going through a break up all I can say is stay strong. It does get better and may even push you to do things you never thought of. Also if you managed it this far thank you so much for reading this absolute mammoth post, clearly I had more to say than I realised.